听JAZZ，在767回家的路上，看着窗外阴郁的上海，突然想起《东邪西毒》里的那坛“醉生梦死”。实在想不明白张的像王家卫这样的男人怎么能有这么极致的情感。以前以为自己没有王药师或者欧阳峰这么可悲，可惜现在，我也开始贪恋那坛毒酒。

    活在这城市的母体内，她养着我，她也毒着我。

 

    今天去宝山领奖。10星期的离别，回忆就这样被轻易的封存了。宝山还是那个样子，但我已经不眷恋，不亲近，不思念。看来时间果然能容易的结束一切。看着图书馆，我想着，再回来就是毕业典礼的那天了。

    颁奖典礼里坐满了最年轻的一届，你可以说他们愚蠢或者说他们天真，那个曾经属于我的美好现在属于了他们。对此我无话可说。关于那个奖，对我是个大笑话。生气的时候我宁愿自己没有得，站在台上看着奖杯和那两盘dv带，虽然我笑着但就是觉着有一个厚实的大手狠狠地扇了我一巴掌；平静的时候，我把奖杯扔到了箱子里，dv带放进dv包，“幸好没有任何结果”，我高兴，因为我只是开始，不该就此盖棺定论。那是一个台阶，上帝叫我，“亲爱的，请继续加倍努力地往上爬吧。”

   

    结束领奖去礼堂追星Curtis Hanson。人家是Martin Scorsese叫来的代理人。Martin Scorsese，我很喜欢这个老头！挖掘了Curtis Hanson的《8 Mile》、《In Her Shoes》、《Wonder Boys》。没有想到拍警察电影的导演也有这么落定的一面。

 

    下午和大姐聊天又想到了《Good Will Hunting》里的这段精彩台词。它很长，却字字入心。

    If I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelanrgelo? You know a lot about him life's work, political aspinations. Him and the pope. Sexual orieatation. The whole works, right? I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seeing that.

    If I ask you about women, you'll probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid.

    I ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakepeare at me, right? "Ome more into the breach, dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help.

    If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet but you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel to have that love for her be there forever. Through anything. Through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in a hospital room for two months, holding her hand because the doctors could see in your eyes that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss 'cause that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

     I look at you. I don't see an intelligent, confident man.

     I see a cocky, scared shitless kid.

      我了解生活，但是我从来不曾拥有过生活，所以，其实，我肯本不明白生活。

      好吧，我无处可骄傲。